April 2008


The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock

TS Eliot

S’io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s’i’odo il vero,
Senza tema d’infamia ti rispondo.
Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question...
Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
Let us go and make our visit.

   In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

   The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.

   And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

   In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

   And indeed there will be time
To wonder, "Do I dare?" and, "Do I dare?"
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair -
(They will say: "How his hair is growing thin!")
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin -
(They will say: "But how his arms and legs are thin!")
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

   For I have known them all already, known them all -
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
   So how should I presume?

   And I have known the eyes already, known them all -
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?
   And how should I presume?

   And I have known the arms already, known them all -
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
(But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!)
Is it perfume from a dress
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
   And should I then presume?
   And how should I begin?

   Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?...

   I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.

   And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep ... tired ... or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head (grown slightly bald) brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet - and here's no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.

   And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: "I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all" -
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
   Should say: "That is not what I meant at all."
   That is not it, at all.

   And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor -
And this, and so much more? -
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
   "That is not it at all,
   That is not what I meant, at all."

   No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous -
Almost, at times, the Fool.

   I grow old ... I grow old...
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

   Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

   I do not think that they will sing to me.

   I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

Due to popular demand, I bring you the email I sent out when my nephew was born on March 5th, 2008:

SOOOOO…
big day today.

I picked my very pregnant sister, Michelle, up at 9am to go to her doctor appointment since today was her due date. We were both pretty chilled because at her last appointment the doctor said it would probably be a while till Peter was ready to be born, so we went into the appointment thinking it was just a checkup……and walked out with a totally different agenda.

Her doctor wanted to do an ultrasound since he was due today and was showing no real natural signs of wanting to be born and join us. He was quite content in his little cocoon. During the ultrasound, the doctor noticed that there was some dark and murky stuff in the amniotic fluid, and it looked a bit disturbing to her. She believed it was meconium (for those not fluent in baby lingo, it’s a fancy doctor word for baby poo) and was worried about the baby suffering from Meconium Aspiration Syndrome. (simple translation: inhaling your own shit just ain’t cool and could lead to pneumonia — capeesh?)

Saying anything that could possibly be negative to any first-time mom is upsetting, but saying it to my ultra-pessimistic sister is another thing. SO the doctor (with horrible bed-side manner might i add) informed my sister that the murky stuff wasnt looking so good and could lead to MAS. Naturally,  my sister immediately fast forwarded in her mind to the world imploding, “our pet’s head’s are falling off!” and Godzilla eating her baby.
It was the whole issue of adapting to change….the issue of “i mentally prepared myself for a natural delivery and now you are saying i have to have a C-Section?” (which anyone who has had a kid or knows of someone who went through this, knows that’s just a lame thing for a preggo mom to realize who was planning on not having a C-Section.) followed by the thought process of:  “dude, i thought i was just coming in for a freakin checkup and i didn’t even shut down my computer because i thought i was coming home in an hour”…so needless to say….we left the Doctor’s office with Michelle (in tears) and her on the phone with Mike telling him to GetOverHereNowOr-I-WillKillYou and me doing my best to convince her that Peter was going to be OK.

Off we went to the hospital where Michelle underwent a non-stress test for the bub to see how his heart rate was and if he was freakin out in any way. Then the pre-natalist (special doctor who went to the School for Kids Who Can Read Good) came by to do another ultrasound to make sure that the first doctor was right in recommending a C-Section. Pre-natalists are legends when it comes to reading ultrasounds, and this dude was not lovin the “murky stuff” he saw and implored my sister to have the baby TODAY. It was pretty hard for my sister to argue with the Cute Doctor (anyone know Dr Naylor? HELLO, high-fiveh, verreh niiice) who was telling her that waiting for “nature to take it’s course” could be “tragic” and that “if you were my wife, i would tell you to have a C-Section today.”
Sooo umm yeah, good luck trying to get outta that one and talking yourself into doing in naturally.

The doctors and nurses all checked their BlackBerry’s and decided that 5pm would be a nice window in their schedule to pull this kiddo out.

In good sisterly fashion, as soon as my mom & dad arrived the hospital, I instantly bailed so I could eat, because HELLO, it was supposed to be a one hour  appointment and i didnt eat breakfast, and come 3pm, yo, i was hurtin. Off I ran to her house to get some not-packed in the hospital bag-stuff for michelle, and then off to stuff my face with my 100th In N Out burger, and then raced back to the hospital. My very food-deprived, hungry and very pregnant (translation: very grumpy) sister “politely” asked all us Claytons to get out of her room when we returned so she could have some chit chat time alone with Mike, who FINALLLLLY arrived from work.

My dad and I decided to go home to change clothes and get comfy because we realized it was gonna be a loooong night.

My dad and I got back to the hospital to discover my mother and brother in law had been abducted by Smurfs, and i learned how creepy it is having a conversation with someone who has no mouth (has their mouth covered by a white surgeon’s mask thing).

(Which, for the record, i totally stole my future ‘08 Halloween costume today, courtesy of Little Company of Mary Hospital, and now plan on either being a surgeon or a Smurf for Halloween depending on my mood.) We had a quick chat with the Smurfs, and off they went to watch a kid be born….delivered… removed? or extracted? whats the right word?
My dad and I “didn’t make the team” and were unsuccessful in our application to be Operating Room Cheerleaders/Paparazzi. The hospital has some dumb rule about “only two people from Team Mom allowed”…which i suppose made sense seeing that there were 8 –eight– freaking people in there that were doctors/nurses and not related to us, so i guess it woulda been a bit tight.

while we waited, my dad laughed at me, and i occupied myself by doing typical Heidi stuff, such as wheeling around the room on the little Doctor’s wheely stool chair thing, pretending i knew how to tap dance, and snooping in every cupboard to see what crazy stuff exists in a C-Section Recovery Room… (hence the discovery of the Halloween ‘08 costume).

i digress.

anyway, about 30 minutes later my mom came out to tell me and my dad the good news and show us pictures and video, etc of the new and fabulous Peter Marshall.
then the rest of the night was filled with waiting.
waiting for:
….peter to get out of the nursery
….michelle to get out of stitch-up surgery
….the nurse to stop Doing Stuff
….and all those yucky not so pretty moments with a new mom and nurses….moments that you never see in the movies (but thankfully i have seen before watching friend’s have kids, etc.) but also require waiting.
…and waiting for my turn to hold the little bub.

holding him was soooo surreal and so fun.
to meet someone who you have never met before, but are already madly in love with, AND who you are RELATED to…..
it’s just all so cool.

then all of us who did not have a C-Section tonight went to the nasty Marie Calendar’s across the street and de-briefed about the whole thing.

it was so neat to be a part of this day and finally meet someone who i have wanted to meet for 9 months…

:)

Peter Marshall Gregg

Born March 5th 2008
5:41pm
8 lbs, 15 ounces
20.5 inches long

I’m an aunt! Thank you for being excited with me!!!